Eat me will you?
by MyNameIsMarley
Summary: Alice comes to do battle with the putrid Duchess...


American McGee and Lewis Carroll own "Alice" NOT I! I had nothing to do with it! It's the pig! HE made me.. I forgot what I was doing. Oh! Anyway.. please enjoy the this tale of gore. Bye now!  
  
Alice, seeing that she was close to the cottage, jumped off the lily pad and took to land. She had made an agreement with the mock turtle earlier that if she retrieved his shell from the Duchess, then he would tell her the caterpillar's whereabouts. As she walked past giant flowers, she noticed, in the distance, that she was being hunted down by a warrior scorpion. "There's nothing a little knife couldn't take care of" Said Alice, taking out her vorpal blade. The scorpion fired some seeds at her from his tiny pistol. Poor chum, he had unfortunately underestimated Alice's dodging abilities. "Now this may sting a little!" Alice yelled at the scorpion, as she threw the knife at his head. Alice, having become a little morbid during the past ten years, giggled at the sight of the scorpion running about headless and falling down dead. The blade reappeared in Alice's hand as it always did. This WAS wonderland after all.  
  
When she approached the cottage, she spotted Bill, her lizard friend on the roof fixing the chimney. "Bill!" Alice called up to him, "Bill, oh Bill! It's me!" Bill jumped down from the roof, spotting his old friend. "Alice! My you have grown! I am terribly sorry about what a disaster this place has become." "Oh, don't be so hard on yourself." Said Alice, patting the little reptile's head. "It isn't your fault after all. Everyone has been affected. Even me." This made Bill a bit happier, in a way of course. "Alice, what are you doing here anyway? If the Duchess spot's you, there's no telling what could happen to either of us!" Alice took out her blade so Bill could see it. "I say, dear girl, didn't your mother ever teach you that little girls shouldn't play with knives?" Alice sighed. "Well, both my parents and my sister are dead. Caught in a fire I'm afraid." "My sincerest apologies!" said Bill, taking off his hat. "I had no idea!" "No trouble at all." Said Alice, putting Bill's hat back on his head. Bill adjusted his hat. "Well then, now that you have a knife, what are you planning to do with it?" Alice smiled a mischievous smile. "Well, I plan to do away with this Duchess problem of yours." Bill coughed. "SLAY the Duchess?! Alice, no! it's far too dangerous!" Alice stroked the knife. "Dangerous you say? Bill, I have survived a great fire, spent ten years in an asylum, killed dozens of card guards and scorpions and beetles, and I'll just bet I can handle the Duchess too." Bill sighed. "Do what you want, Alice. But don't expect me to go in there with you." Alice smiled again. "I fight all my battles alone, thank you very much." And with that, she walked up, and was immediately sucked into the house by an unknown force inside.  
  
Alice found herself in a dark stairway. She took out her razor sharp card deck (which, in the game is called "fifty-two pickup") and made her way down. At the bottom of the steps, she found a wide room. There was a picture of a pig, (which, if anybody has read the book, was previously a the Duchess's baby) shelves with spices of all kinds, some chairs, and a table with a jack-in-the-box on it. Considering it was floating in a kind of fire, Alice knew it was a weapon. But a jack-in-the-box? Was this the Cheshire Cat's idea of a joke? Nevertheless, Alice picked it up. But no sooner had she done so than the floor rumbled, causing Alice to fall. She immediately stood up just in time to see the Duchess run out of the nearby fireplace with a pepper shaker. "LUUUUGHI SHUGG!!" grunted the hideous excuse for a woman. She then spotted Alice standing twenty feet away from her. The Duchess licked her lips. "Mmmm.. Come close my little chick, you'd make a handsome dish!" Alice looked at her, as if the was the most disgusting thing she had ever seen. "I'm not edible." The Duchess stared back. "Not a full meal certainly, but a light snack perhaps." Alice now no longer wanted anything to do with this fat hog-lady. "I'll have the turtle shell NOW you disgusting ogre!" "Over my dead body!!" retorted the Duchess. Immediately, she ran at Alice with her pepper shaker. Alice got a nose full of black pepper and began to sneeze uncontrollably. The Duchess seized her and tried to eat her. But before she could do so, Alice stabbed the side of the Duchess's mouth with her knife. Startled by the pain, she shrieked and dropped Alice, who immediately ran and climbed on top of the nearest spice shelf. There, she began hitting electric balls at the Duchess with the flamingo croquet mallet that she had obtained earlier. The Duchess, with her now bloodstained dress and some skull protruding through her hair, Got up and rattled the shelf that Alice stood on. Alice fell, but not before grabbing some of the spices on the shelf. She ran from the angry monster as fast as she could, all the while throwing the spices at her to see if the Duchess would get a nose full of her brewing seasonings. All they did was make the Duchess cut her hands on the glass bottle pieces when she fell. Fifty-two pickup? It was worth a try. Alice quickly pulled out her razorblade card deck and started throwing them at the Duchess. The cards cut the Duchess's tongue, hair, belly, and the sides of her legs making the blood splatter amount of the room double. Alice began sneezing again as the ripped-up horror behind her started throwing pepper at her again. She threw the knife at the Duchess but only nicked the fat boar's ear. "Wait!" the now exhausted and ill at lung Alice thought. "That jack-in-the-box... What did it do? Alice was in no mood or situation to sit down and think about it. She simply threw the toy at the Duchess. Then, in an explosion of blood, innards, and black pepper, the Duchess was dead. Alice had won. Bill, hearing the explosion ran downstairs to see what on earth the Duchess may have done to poor Alice. He found a charred room covered in blood, pepper, and parts of the Duchess. "Alice?!" Bill yelled, keeping a handkerchief over his mouth to prevent breathing in the putrid, smelly, peppered air. As the dust cleared, Bill saw Alice coughing, sneezing, and vomiting great amounts of pepper. She then passed out.  
  
Alice woke up outside in the clean air with the reshelled mock turtle and Bill staring down at her. "I really owe you." Said the mock turtle bandaging one of Alice's arms. Alice looked up at him, dazed. "Yes, you certainly do." "I'm moving somewhere else." Said Bill, looking back at the cottage. "There's no way I'm cleaning up that mess." "I'm sorry," said Alice, "But I didn't know that the jack-in-the-box was a bomb." "You do now." Said Bill, looking back at her. The mock turtle helped Alice get to her feet. "Now then, mock turtle, how about the whereabouts of the caterpillar?"  
  
___ ___ ___The End___ 


End file.
